Last night I had a dream that I was laying in a field watching the sky turn from pink to orange as the sun was setting.My head was resting against someones chest. At this point in my dream I didnt know who it was, I just knew how much I loved them and how special they are to me. I listened to their heartbeat, the sound that sounded so sweet in my ear, the sound that kept me going, kept me unconditionally happy, that let me know that as long as I was with them everything would be okay. I lifted my head to look at their face......it was Pony. After that I woke up and I started crying. I wish Pony had been there when Dallas kissed me, so he could see how forcefully I pushed Dallas away from me and when he tried to lean in again I punched him hard in the chest and yelled "I love Ponyboy!" and i threatened him that if he tried it again I'd break his jaw.


Before this, I didnt know what it was like to cry myself to sleep at night, but now every night I drown myself in my own tears, sobbing so loud, keeping Johnny and Dawn awake at night. I know they can hear me but I just cant help it. I feel as if someone slit me open and ripped my heart out. The only thing that kept me going... is gone. I have to be forced out of my bed every morning for other reasons than just being tired. I have to force my feet to carry me through the halls at school. In class all I do is just sit there and listen, yet I hear nothing, nothing except for the sound of my breaking heart, reassuring me that its still there. And I wonder how many more breaks it will take till it kills me.

I've never loved anyone as much as Pony. I miss his fingers in mine, his arm wrapped around my waist, his precious lips against my skin. I wouldn't want that from anyone else... just Pony! What happened to cause this was not what it seemed. Pony is my one and only love. I just hope he realizes that before my heart is so long decayed that the Brooke he came to know, has become a living corpse.